The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
