He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
