I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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