I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
