I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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