if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
