Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
