So drunk its hurt
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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