And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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