I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
