rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
