My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
