so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
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Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
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You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!