this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
