Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
