the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
