Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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