some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
