you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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