Well apparently he's into motor boating.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
