New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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