i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
