Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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