I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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