Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
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I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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