how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
