He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
