I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
