I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
