why im i the only drunk person in the library?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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