i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
