I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
