so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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