I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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