i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
