WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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