I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
