also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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