His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
