I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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