I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
