Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
