if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We were destined to go to rehab together
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
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