I'm really into asian looking animals
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
