if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
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It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
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