And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
