Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
