What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
