Is it normal to miss your booty call?
there's paper in my vomit.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
