My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
