i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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