Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
