you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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