I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
