I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
